My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
