i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
