his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
