I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
