Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
