Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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