Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
