i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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