She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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