Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
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Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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