God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
