I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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