So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
