I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
