Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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