She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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