It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
