My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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