I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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