Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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