Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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