just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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