It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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