i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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