When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
