I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
