did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
