you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Houston, we have a blender
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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