evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
