you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
