I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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