Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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