Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have feelings that need drinking.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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