I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
