my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
