Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
