apparently the secret to your success is patron
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
