matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize