I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
