I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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