Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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