She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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