I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
