dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
