Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
