quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
