My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
