At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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