After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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