at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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