You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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