His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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