i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
