I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
