How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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