listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
